The best brains?
Does the Prison Service actually think through the introduction of systems and schemes, asks Keith Rose
With the latest prison service farce (the introduction of the P-NOMIS computer system), it is worth casting an eye over some of the better examples of prison service mismanagement.
For some reason the prison service seems to be in love with Canada, and their latest purchase, the P-NOMIS computer software (Puerile-Non-Operational-Misinformation System), is also a Canadian purchase. You would have thought they had learnt their lesson from their worthless and discredited psychology programmes.
When first turned on, the P-NOMIS software came up with the instruction, "Execute Query". As a result, Peter Query ran to his cell, barricaded himself in, and is currently seeking political asylum in Zimbabwe on the basis that Robert Mugabe's human rights record is better than that of Jack Straw.
When first fired up here at Long Lartin, the new software screwed up the wages so well that there were 200 complaints from a population of around 600!
Now, four months after installation, prisoners pay is still fouled up by this crackpot system. Crackpot? Rather strong words for a system devised by the best brains the prison service employs, isn't it? Well, that's exactly the problem! The best brains?
Some bright spark decided that as Britain's prison sentences are so short, all prisoners should be paid daily, at a minimum rate of 50 pence, to which is added each day any wages over and above basic pay. Now I appreciate it will come as a shock to the purchaser of the P-NOMIS system that most prisoners are usually in for rather more than a couple of days, but the same individual seems to think that all prisoners go home at weekends; so there is no provision for paying prisoners who work at weekends!
Here at Long Lartin, we have a mathematical genius prisoner who does Advanced Calculus in his head for fun. "Jason the wonder-nought", as he is known, has been trying since November to get his wages sorted out. He was paid weekly and has never missed a session of work, yet is paid a different amount each week. Almost all prisoners are in the same boat, and the explanations from the finance department have left this particular genius, and many others, completely baffled.
Some of the following events defy belief. For example, any overpayment of a prisoner’s wage (a rare event indeed) is clawed back by charging it as "Postal Order Poundage", the only debit item available.
Additionally, the P-NOMIS system updates itself each Thursday midnight, but doesn't print account details for Fridays, starting each new weekly summary on a Monday - so all the Friday transactions are lost in cyberspace, or wherever P-NOMIS sends them. No provision for putting it on the system; and visiting orders that previously did not have a time limit now run out in 28 days, and so on and so forth.
The P-NOMIS system is a farce and just doesn't work. It’s high time the prison service realised the only good thing that has ever come out of Canada is Natasha Hensridge. This slavish devotion to buying Canadian cast-offs makes me think that someone's brother-in-law is in charge of disposing of all the Canadian Prison Service's junk, and is maliciously dumping it on the gullible English.
The 'best brains' the prison service employs have also come up with some other schemes worth considering. Long Lartin has introduced a 'greening' policy which restricts the number of electrical items a prisoner can have in possession. A worthy ambition? Depends how it’s applied!
If the prison service were going to adopt a 'greening policy', you may think that they would turn their attention to the hundreds of miles of un-lagged pipes, all night office lighting, leaking boilers, lack of double glazing; or the multitude of security floodlights burning day and night as a first step. But no, pick on the prisoners first. "Hey Jack, we're doing something green; we're restricting the number of electrical items prisoners can have".
Here at Long Lartin, the maximum electrical capacity of 600 cells works out approximately as the consumption of 16, 13 amp plugs. Each security floodlight is 500 watts, or half a kilowatt, so around 20 floodlights account for the same amount consumed by 600 prisoners, who are not usually active for 24 hours.
Long Lartin's greening policy restricts prisoners to 2 electrical items, so if you have hair clippers and an electric shaver then forget your stereo, games console or typewriter or anything else. It seems that Long Lartin management believes hair clippers are used continuously and consume the same amount of power as a stereo!
Of course, I shouldn't mention that the governor who introduced the 'greening' policy is also a leading light in the campaign to prevent E-on building a wind farm in the Vale of Evesham. (Shhh! Don't mention the wind farm).
It seems that every time the ‘best brains’ in the prison service come up with a new scheme, supplier or policy, it descends into utter farce in a matter of weeks. Take the introduction of Booker-DHL as a prison canteen supplier. "They'll be cheaper than Aramark". Really? Didn't happen did it?
Best brains in the prison service? That seems to be the root of the problem doesn't it?
* Keith Rose BA is currently resident at HMP Long Lartin
Comments about this article
26/8/2010 Suzi -
Well that sum up the prison system! Its run no differently to the rest of the country.
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