War Torn
A short story from an ex inmate
“Tosser! You don’t think I’m falling for that old chestnut do you? Why don’t you go get a proper job?” “What … and miss meeting people like you?” I jeer back up to him.
The suited man walks on by, ignoring my retaliatory remark; on with the rest of the morning’s rush-hour throng. Soon he’s lost in the crowd. At least I stand out. If only he knew…
Fourteen years in the army - Belfast, Falklands, Kosovo and later Iraq. I bet I’ve seen more action in one day than he has in his sad lifetime. The blast just fucked me up a bit that’s all, knocked me a bit sideways, that’s why I’m here. ‘Get a proper job’ - the sad bastard.
I blow into my hands and generate some heat onto chilled palms. As I sit here watching the world go by a familiar, friendlier face comes into view.
“Morning Trevor, how are you today love?”
“Morning Gill, a bit nippy isn’t it?”
“Proper brass monkey weather; if people have any sense they’ll stop at home today if they can. It’s only silly buggers like me who have to walk into town in all weathers and work. I must be doing something wrong eh?”
‘Home? Walk? What are you complaining about?’ I think jealously to myself.
“You take care Trevor, stick at it, you’re looking better every time I see you. Catch you later.” She turns away and heads for work.
“Not if I see you first, Gill. Don’t work too hard,” I shout after her.
I watch Gill trudge away, thinking again to myself, ‘isn’t it nice to talk to people without a rifle in your hand, not having to give them the visual once over for the tell-tale signs of a concealed weapon or explosives belt’. I am, slowly, getting used to it, though the paranoia still looms in the back of my mind and occasionally rears its ugly head. I’m still not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing now. Paranoia’s a difficult issue for me to deal with and to let go of. It could keep you alive. It’s the training you see. “Trust no one, lad. Trust no one!”
Two blokes walk by on their way to the greasy spoon on the corner. Obviously builders judging by their check, quilted shirts, rigger boots and hard hats, all of which are covered in cement and plaster splatters. I catch part of their conversation as they pass me.
“They spend it all on drugs and booze anyway. They earn more than I do the bastards, and I bet he doesn’t need that chair, it’s just a prop I tell you! I wouldn’t give those types the steam off my piss, let alone any money.”
“Aye, you’re right. It’s full of shite anyway. Some of ‘em must think we were born yesterday.”
“Some of ‘em could be right,” I say to myself. I pull my blanket up higher around my thighs and resume blowing into my hands, this time with more vigour.
“Morning Trevor, how are tricks today?”
It’s the fat man with the big moustache and City scarf. I don’t know his name, but I’ve had dealings with him before.
“Not bad. What happened at the weekend then?” I ask, with a hint of sarcasm enhanced by my loyalty to Rovers.
“Like I said last time Trevor, we need a new defender to strengthen up the back.”
“You need a bloody miracle more like.”
“We’ll see at the weekend won’t we? We’ve got United at home.”
There’s another three points for you then.”
“Yeh, whatever! You take care Trevor.”
Moustache also turns and walks away. How does the saying go - ‘There’s now’t as queer as folk.’ The last ten minutes have seen me insulted by some, praised by others. Some have engaged me, and those who’ve ignored or abused me should learn that things are never what they seem. Puzzling creatures people - same the world over.
There weren’t any of ‘my kind of people’ in the civilian psychiatric unit they put me in after the amputation. Those people that were with me in the ‘loony bin’ were either too out of it or didn’t understand me or my illness. The latter could also be said of some of the doctors too. I felt isolated there, alienated and inadequate, my rank redundant and insignificant. I didn’t belong. Losing the leg was easy to deal with and the wounds soon healed. However, losing my mind was another kettle of fish altogether.
The drink helped, though the subsequent eviction most certainly didn’t. My army training proved invaluable during the time I spent homeless on the streets, and as for the years I spent in prison - the least said the better. Reintegrating back into civilian society is just part of getting my mind back into some semblance of order. I’m only just getting used to being with people again. It was my counsellor who said I should. After all, it’s by taking her advice that I’m sat here now freezing my nuts off; though I don’t mind, far from it.
She was right; so far, my confidence has improved as a consequence of being out and about around people each day. I’m learning to trust again. I trusted no one, especially civilians, whilst on active service; no one at all whilst in the psychiatric unit; no one while on my arse on the streets and as for my time in jail, like I said - the least said the better.
I notice a lull in the pedestrian traffic. I’d better try and attract some more attention. I cup my hands to my mouth and breathe in – “Big Issueoooooooo!”
* Andy Thackwray is formerly HMP Doncaster
Progress is threatened by cuts
Conservatives ‘want change’
All-white juries do not discriminate
Unexpected ‘special’ Legal Visits
Influenced by inner anger
250 prison teaching jobs to go
Petition to make trainee psychologists answerable to a higher body
Month by Month
Methadone concerns
Double invisibility
Twice the punishment
The forgotten victims
The best brains?
Doing Things Differently
Public persona … private person
Proactive progression
The inside story
POCA’s furry feline friends
Supporting evidence
Prosecuting Serious Fraud
Transfers from prisons to mental health units
Current page: War Torn
Cycles of the Planets
PSO Watch - It's political
insidetime
|
|
Issue : September 2010
Back Issues
Browse and Search Tools
View headlines by category
Search headlines | All headlines
Search mailbag | All mailbag
Search poems | All poems
September 2010 Headlines
£2bn Cuts
Guilty until proven innocent - historic cases
Prison psychologists - biased practitioners
What’s in your file?
Abuse of Process
Parole woes!
Recent developments in The Law of Confiscation
Month by Month
My Precious
Halden Prison, the stuff of dreams
The lamp must still burn
Sentencing review: what’s it all about?
‘Shout OXO’ before you die
What’s a ‘psychopath’, a ‘DSPD’ and should Peter Sutcliffe ever be released?
The innocence of prisoners’ children
Your Children Your Rights
The rules are simple, choose your own loophole
Lie detector tests and you
Rule 39 Correspondence - guidance
About Us
About insidetime
Directors
Editorial Team
InsidePoetry Book
The
insidepoetry book
is a collection of 213 poems by 202 prisoners of all backgrounds.
Availabe to buy from this site!
Subscribe
You can subscribe to insidetime Newspaper and get the paper each month delivered to your door!
Advertise
Advertise your business or solicitors office to a highly defined target audience.
Other Publications
Inside Time has produced a number of books and publications you can purchase online.
Contact Us
All contact info for the Operations office and the Editorial Team.
Site Map
Our site map page contains links to all pages on the insidetime site.
External Links
These links open external websites which you may be interested.
WikiCrimeLine
Banks On Sentence
insideinformation
Prisons
Everything you need to know about visiting people in prison; procedures, opening times, directions etc.
Comprehensive information about each prison regime; lock down times, facilities, healthcare etc.
insideinformation Book
Help and Support
Various pages of information for help and support organisations and networks for those in custody as well as recently released. Also information for friends and family.
Grants and Funding
This grants and funding pdf document aims to meet the need of prisoners and ex-offenders for accurate, up to date information on the supplementary funding available to prisoners.
Rules and Regulations
Information on rules & regulations used throughout the prison service.
Glossary of Terms
The Glossary of Prison Related Terms explains what all the acronyms and terms stand for with prison related matters. Includes links to external sites to further explain things.
Fact Sheets
We have produced many Prison Related Fact Sheets inc. Legal Fact Sheets, Parole Fact Sheets and Other related information.
Find a Solicitor
You can search our solicitor database for listings of solicitors in your area that provide the services you require.
Address Finder
You can search our address database in many ways to retrieve contact information for all those elusive addresses you need in a hurry.
Prison Law pdf
This document provides details of leading training providers who offer sound professional training.
Other Publications
Inside Information has produced a number of books and publications you can purchase online.
Site Map
Our site map page contains links to all pages on the insideinformation site.
Contact Us
Use the Contact Us Feedback form to send us suggestions, plus our address and phone numbers.