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The policing pledge?

By: Keith Rose

Keith Rose examines practices employed by a ‘typical’ rural police force and comes to some alarming conclusions

In recent weeks I have watched with incredulity a series of very expensive TV advertisements in which the Police Forces of the UK promise to carry out certain policing duties, which they are supposed to do anyway.

I noted that the police like to use the words ‘Police Service’, rather than the traditional ‘Police Force’, although I’ve never regarded it as a public service to put two bullets in the head of a guy for daring to carry a chair leg in a side street in London. Another infamous ‘service’ of delivering seven bullets to the head of a Brazilian electrician for daring to catch a tube train at Stockwell has been rather more extensively reported.

So, I was slightly amused to note the Chief Constables of Britain’s 43 Police Forces screaming about Treasury plans to cut £500 million from police budgets. This works out at slightly over £11½ million for each Force. However, what exactly do the police spend all our money on?

It is rather pointless to shine a light in the direction of the Met in London as there have been so many crimes, fiddles, cover-ups and transgressions by that particular ‘Service’ it would require a library list; therefore let’s look at a ‘typical’ rural force instead.

Devon and Cornwall Constabulary are regular contributors to Police, Camera, Propaganda and similar TV programmes intended to convince an increasingly suspicious populace that they are making a useful social contribution. However, dark deeds lurk just below the surface.

Like most Police Forces, Devon and Cornwall spend around 50% of their annual budget on inflation-proof pensions, and a curious event occurs with certain officers as they approach retirement age. In their last six months, those who roll up their left trouser leg and master funny handshakes can find themselves promoted. Usually of high rank anyway, so Inspector to Chief Inspector, Superintendent to Chief Superintendent etc, which permits the gentlemen in question to retire on an even higher grade pension.

You might believe that the local media would pick up on this scam? Unfortunately, all the West Country local newspapers are owned by Northcliffe Newspapers. Northcliffe Newspapers is an offshoot of the Daily Mail group, who regard Adolf Hitler as a left-wing softie and Ghengis Khan as a misunderstood social worker. Local Police Authority? Forget it! A certain skill in trouser leg management seems to be a requirement for membership.

In the 1980’s, Devon and Cornwall engaged, as Chief Constable, a former Deputy Chief Constable of Surrey (home of the Guildford 4 and subsequent cover up) and Assistant Chief Constable of Greater Manchester (home of the Stalker Affair and subsequent cover up). One of the first acts of this guy was to create an air-force, and a German manufactured BKW helicopter was purchased for many millions. Yet other police forces still rent or lease helicopters from Police Aviation Services Ltd who supply fully equipped examples, often with aircrew.

Having purchased this top of the range chopper, Devon and Cornwall Constabulary began to fit it out. Hughes ‘Nightsun’ searchlight; infra-red TV cameras with recording equipment; ‘SkyShout’ loudspeaker system and all the other executive toys normally associated with top of the range helicopters.

Sadly, they were grassed up and the man from the Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) came to call. “That’s an impressive array of gadgets you’ve got on that shiny new helicopter”, he said, “who fitted them?”

Our proud air-force chief pointed to a spotty youth who normally serviced the Chief Constable’s chauffeur driven car. “May I see your CAA Aircraft Engineer’s documentation?” asked the CAA man. The spotty youth looked puzzled. “What documentation?” “Didn’t think so”, said the man from the CAA. “That chopper is now grounded, you can take off all that junk, have approved equipment fitted by a qualified CAA engineer and it stays grounded until I next inspect it, understand?”

“You can’t do that”, said the air force commander. “Yes I can, and just did. And you can forget your ‘wish list’ of Gatling Cannon, Air to Ground missiles and battlefield nuclear weapons”. And it came to pass that the shiny new BKW helicopter was grounded for a month or more. (All true, although I lied about the weapons).

When the BKW finally became operational, and after a few hundred ‘jollies’ for the boys, with an operating cost of more than £1,000 per hour, what did it do? Well, it did co-ordinate many impressive hunts for shoplifters or the occasional joy-rider. One regular event was hovering for hours over town centres. ‘Look at us, we’ve got a helicopter, and we can carry machine guns’.

Want another example? In the 1990’s, a fishing boat sank with the loss of three crew. The families claimed there were faults in the boat which made it unsafe. So, our Chief Constable (Admiral to be) decided the boat had to be raised for forensic examination. I don’t think you’re going to believe this, but it’s true. Like the helicopter, a salvage ship was purchased, not leased, chartered or rented but actually purchased. So now our hero had a navy as well. After many months, the fishing boat’s owner received a suspended sentence; a triumph for effective use of taxpayers’ funds. (Psst, want to buy a salvage ship, hardly used?)

With all the many millions spent on the air force and navy above, you may think that Devon and Cornwall Constabulary have one of the highest crime solving rates? Not true. However the three Crown Courts of Truro, Plymouth and Exeter do have some of the highest conviction rates in the country, this is because this police force is not averse to ‘helping the evidence along’. You know what I mean.

Wrongly convicted? Need unused material for your appeal? Devon and Cornwall Constabulary are perhaps unique in frequently refusing solicitors access to unused material.

Perhaps the funniest event in this dismal history is the 1990’s appointment of the Chief Constable to the post of the Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) spokesman on terrorism. (I kid you not). It is thought this appointment was due to sightings of the ‘Beast of Bodmin’, which could have links to sightings of Osama Bin Laden.

Taxpayer misfortune continues ... a couple of years after the turn of the century, a new Chief Constable was appointed following the retirement of the Admiral and Air Marshal. A woman, Marcia, who was so horrified by the waste of money, the pensions for the boys and the rolled-up trouser brigade that she attempted to clean the decks. Sadly, as a woman, she was not allowed to roll up her trouser leg, so she suffered a ‘vote of no confidence’ by the boys and was sacked! Who is in charge now? I don’t know, but has his left leg got a tan? Devon and Cornwall Constabulary … a typical police force?

* Keith Rose is currently resident at HMP Long Lartin